MIC CHECK MEDICINE
I use my MIC and my platform as a form of "therapy" or "medicine" for myself.
MIC CHECK MEDICINE
DEPRESSION, DEMOLITION, AND DIY THERAPY: Battling Depression in a Renovation Warzone
Dealing with the chaos of home renovations can be a maddening experience—especially when you're grappling with a pervasive depressive mood and the triggers of PTSD. How do you stay composed when everything around you feels like it's falling apart? Join me, your host, as I confront the frustrations of having contractors in my home. From unexpected changes in plans to the unbearable smell of metal being cut or welded, I recount a particularly vexing episode involving the removal of an old window air conditioner. This isn't just a story about home repairs; it's an exploration of the emotional toll and the constant battle to find balance amidst the turmoil.
Communication is key, but what happens when language barriers stand in the way? You'll hear about the challenges I faced when my wife, usually the one to handle these interactions, wasn't around. Left to manage the situation alone, I opted for a more labor-intensive method using a sledgehammer, which surprisingly offered a sense of therapeutic release. As I navigate the emotional and psychological impacts of traumatic experiences, I reflect on the cyclical nature of my emotional states and the potential benefits of gradual exposure to triggers. It's a raw and honest look at the complexities of PTSD and the struggle to maintain a semblance of normalcy.
What's going on. Everybody Hope everybody's doing. Well, I was like you know what? I'm going to record a podcast Now that I get all ready. Now I'm kind of like not wanting to. Anyway, this is the Objective, jerk, and I'm said jerk, thanks for tuning in.
Speaker 1:I just wanted to kind of I always start doing that, I start organizing my desk every time, kind of having a, I mean my. I mean I always say it, but I mean I know I'm in my like depressed mood of where anything and everything is shit. You know it's just, it's know it's just so annoying. But so I've had, like I think I talked about in my last podcast about having some contractors working on some stuff that we've been needing to get done at the house and stuff like that, which you know it's like if they're not here, I'm annoyed because they're not getting it done. If they are here, I'm annoyed because I'm just tired of them being here. But then it's like you know, I want them to like, I want these things to get done. It's just really frustrating, because, no matter what, I can't make myself happy, and it's only temporary, but still it just gets old man. And the other thing, though, is for me, when I'm in my shit mood, don't like surprises, I like things to be planned out. I mean, I guess I'm like that regardless, but I don't get irritated when I'm in my shit mood. So let's see, we have. So we have like a this contractor. He's here, he's doing like two major jobs and then he's been doing some other smaller stuff and and in my room a couple years ago we had we got a split type air conditioner, got my ears like plugged on some. So we took out the window ac and we got a split type. Well, we've had that air conditioner. God, my ear is like plugged all of a sudden. So we took out the window AC and we got a split type. Well, we've had that hole where the window AC goes. Well, I've had like a little piece of paneling wood over it for the last couple years. So as part of you know, getting some stuff done, we're getting that filled in right.
Speaker 1:And so I'm in my shit mood and and like I just I don't know, like I don't, I just I sit in my room, I I don't even. It's just. You know, I know I'm in. It's like I don't like to be in public very often, but when I'm in my shit mood. I know not to be in public Because I can go off. You know what I mean. So I just stay away from things. So I don't put myself in that situation and, sorry, I moved into my room around so it's like I'm in a different. I'm not where I usually am, so it's like trying to get situated here with the uh computer and everything Anyway.
Speaker 1:So, let's see, so I'm chilling in my room and then like like right towards the end of the day for the workers, you know, I mean like maybe they had two hours left or something like that Maybe she's like hey, they're gonna, they're gonna start working on filling in this hole where the AC was. And I was like what, right now, you know, it's kind of raining and stuff was like dude, I don't, I was. So I was kind of immediately went from. I mean I'm already in a shit mood. But then it's like I'm immediately just annoyed, like what the fuck? I mean I could have been like no, they can do it tomorrow or whatever. But it's like I'm trying to be somewhat cordial and so where the hole is, where the window AC was, there's you know, the big steel cage thing that held the AC in right Now. We've had some contractors do some shabby work and some crap like that. The guys we have now, I think, are doing, they're pretty good at what they do. But the guys that built this house, dude, they were phenomenal man because that's just like immaculate. His house, dude, they were phenomenal man Cause that's just like immaculate anyway. So I tried a few months back to see if I could kind of get that cage or how well it was in there, and it kind of would wiggle a little right, but I didn't mess with it too much. So, um, so then the guys are like, hey, we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna take it out, right. So I'm like, oh crap, okay, so I get pissed off, but whatever. So I moved my bed and I moved stuff in my room to make room for it and everything. I take the paneling off and everything. And they're looking at what they're going to do and they're wanting to like cut it out. And here's the thing is I mean I guess I could have tried to put the panel back up and let them do it. Maybe that's what I should have done.
Speaker 1:Now that I think about it but I think I've talked about it before there are certain triggers right. That kind of will get my stupid brain thinking about stupid things and making me act stupid. Right over the years, through therapy and whatnot, I've kind of learned what some of those triggers are, and one of them is metal, like welding, the smell of welding more specifically, though, like when you grind metal, when you cut metal and stuff like that that smell. So if I know it's coming, I'm okay with it. Like, if I can, you know, I'll go. I mean, for the most part, I think I'm still kind of trying to figure out if it's the case or not. Like I'm trying to pay attention, like if I do anything where I work with metal, how I, how I am, later you know what I mean. But it does seem if I'm like, okay, I'm going to go, I'm going to go help my buddy weld a trailer or something, or I don't know, if I know I'm going to be doing it, then I can kind of get my brain ready and I can kind of you know what I mean. So that's one aspect of it which kind of got me pissed off too. So I was.
Speaker 1:So now they're wanting to cut the metal. I'm like no, no, no, no, we're not cutting the metal and then my wife ends up leaving cause she had to go do some other stuff. She's always having to do stuff and I just sit here and not do anything. I feel bad for her sometimes, and so the guys are trying to. So I'm kind of working on the thing, I'm pounding this and that, and the people that built it they built it good, Like it's not going to just simply come out Like they got that, they got it made tight and it's like it's going to. It's going to get some work to get out of it.
Speaker 1:Yes, we could have cut it with a grinder, you know, and and it would have been over in like five, 10 minutes at most, you know. But it's right in my room. I didn't want the smell of the cut metal lingering in my room and I didn't want to be sleeping the night kind of smelling it. You know what I mean. I just I tried to avoid putting myself in those kind of situations or those possible triggers, if I can, you know. So I was like we're not cutting it, we can't cut it. So I was like we're not cutting it, we can't cut it. Unfortunately, the guys, you know, they're not the greatest at speaking English, I mean we can communicate, but it's pretty, it's pretty bad.
Speaker 1:And you know, it's like he kept so I'm kind of smacking it with the sledge, loosening it up, doing this and that, and it's like, yeah, I can see that you know, crap is going to take some work. And then they were wanting to like maybe cut the concrete, you know, and I'm like no, I don't want to get all dusty and crap in my room either. I was like we're going to have to like chip away at this. So I was like I'll do it, but the dude, we can cut the metal and it'll be easy. And he was right. But the thing is I'm not cutting the metal and I couldn't explain to him why we couldn't cut the metal.
Speaker 1:But now I think about it, I should have just put that paneling that I took off, I should have put it back on somehow the best I could, and let them cut it, and we would have done with it like that. But oh well, but I'm kind of getting over like a sinus kind of cold too, man. But so my wife leaves and I'm getting a sledgehammer and the guy keeps kind of saying I think he's trying to say, look, this is catching here, maybe not. He might have been, just, you know, trying to help me out, and he wasn't. But to me I kept thinking he kept saying, well, look, there's this thing and we should just cut it, it's gonna be easier. And I kept saying, I get it, I know, okay, but we're not cutting it. So we got to figure out something else and I just, I start just wailing on this thing with the sledgehammer.
Speaker 1:I think it actually might have been a little therapeutic for me, but I was kind of like, fuck man, this guy says something, but I think he went away and he did something else. So I think maybe he got it, um, and then I was messing with it for a while and then the guy that's in charge of everything, he kind of helped and we, we got it out. You know, it took an extra, I don't know. I don't know how long it took, probably an hour. If we would have cut it it would have been so easy.
Speaker 1:But the thing is, I mean it's not, you know, I'm not blaming the contract at all, but I wish he would have said, either this morning or, at the latest, right after lunch, when they came back from lunch, saying, hey, we're going to, we're going to work on that whole. So, you know, just do what you have to do. So then I could have gotten things ready, could have looked at it, because you know, maybe if I looked at it, or I had you know a few hours to kind of mess with it myself, I might have put the panel up, maybe I would have cut I don't know, who knows, but was trying to hurry, you know, because it was the end of the day. I was surprised that they were even doing it's like, dude, aren't you guys like cleaning up to go, and it just kind of. You know, it's what. It wasn't planned out real well, plus you have my dumb ass and just everything, and just, but it got out. They blocked it up. I think they finished it on the outside because it's all concrete and then tomorrow they'll finish the inside, I think I I didn't go out there and look, but I'm pretty sure, um, but I told my wife you know she comes back after it's all over and I'm like man, that was bad timing.
Speaker 1:I was like it just, I mean not that I was going to like take the sledgehammer to these guys or something like that, but man, I did. I was sitting there thinking, god, if he says it one more fucking time, and I just, I don't know, I don't think so. I mean, I would like to think that I have some control over it, but I do actually I think, like you know I know my wife and my oldest son they kind of worry about that that I'm just going to go like all of a sudden just go berserk and go, you know, wolverine on somebody. And yeah, I guess it's possible. But that would only be if somebody went at me or was like you know, somebody started like attacking one of my kids or my wife and beating on them or something. Or if I'm trying to like break up something and then somebody you know hits me or does something, then I might like flip a switch and then, but I'm not just going to like be frustrated with somebody for no reason and just like murder them or something. You know what I mean. Be frustrated with somebody for no reason and just like murder them or something. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:But, um, I was getting pretty, I was getting pretty worked up about it and then my wife came back and, like I said, I was like man that was. So I explained to her and I was like, hey, can you just explain to them? I was like you don't need to go in details, I don don't care, it's just explain to them that there's a reason why my brain and I do the things I do. I mean, I know he's probably like dude, this guy's an idiot man. Why doesn't he just cut it? He can use a grinder and cut through it.
Speaker 1:I mean, it's pretty thick angle iron, but still, I just know that smell and for the longest time I didn't catch it. I remember I would just go do things or we would, whatever. It wasn't like all the time or anything, but I would smell it. And it was like All of a sudden, I'm like man, I smell, like when I got blown up, I'm like what the hell? What is that, you know? And then I just kind of gets things going. There's lots of other ones too, but it wasn't until I think it was on Halloween. It was trick or treating and we were walking down the road and I got a whiff of somebody like welding and cutting, it's like that, and I was like. I was like, oh man, I smell it. You know what I mean and I'm thinking like it's like in my head, and then eventually we like turn the corner or whatever, and then see a guy like working on his exhaust system in his car, so and I'm like, oh okay, you know and I don't think it messed with me that at that point I think I was kind of happy that I kind of put two and two together, sort of. But up to that point though, it was kind of, you know, I don't know, it's I don't know, I still think there's like a couple things that probably trigger me that I don't realize it yet and see, that's kind of the, that's kind of why I don't really like to go out either. You know, I mean it could be maybe driving out. I don't think so, but I mean driving.
Speaker 1:Now there's a lot of similarities to Iraq, as there are to here in the Philippines, mainly the construction of some of the buildings and stuff. I mean it's way nicer. I mean I haven't been to Iraq in 20 years or no. What is it? 18, 17. Wasn't that late? Yeah, 17 years or something, but I'm so I don't know how it is now, but the Philippines is, it's similar, there are similarities, but it's nowhere near the same as Iraq, and but I mean, you know, maybe those similarities do kind of push their way through, I don't know, you know, and the way the traffic is, but usually that was mainly people, though remember going through, like this market area. Maybe that's why I don't like to go to the market here, though there's a market right by our house. It's really cool though, because there's all kinds of stuff and fruits and vegetables and everything, and I don't think that bothers me, but I wonder if maybe sometimes it does.
Speaker 1:I remember driving through this market area in Iraq. It was part of our route a lot and it just People would get so crazy, and I think I want to say at first people got out of our way, but then after a while, after us being there for a little while, they were like, yeah, fuck these americans. But I just remember driving. It would be so hot that why did we have our windows down? Actually we didn't have a choice the second time, but I think cause the ACs. The the up armor and Humvees had AC, but they sucked and sometimes they didn't even work. But I just remember riding through the market a lot With my window down, and I'd be driving with one hand and I'd have my pistol, just like right here, just ready to somebody, you know, for whatever reason. But then the second time, you know, with the shape, charges and everything, they realize that the glass that's in the apartment Humvees was like the strongest armor against the efps. So they would double those up in the door and actually I think I'm like 99.99. Sure, that's what saved my life, were those, those glass panels, man, at the very least saved you. You know, some limbs of mine.
Speaker 1:But um, but yeah, I don't know, maybe going to the market here I don't think it does, but maybe it does subconsciously and I don't realize it because I won't go for a while. I wonder if that's what it is. I mean, is it? It kind of feels like it's just a cycle, like I go on these cycles. That's what I've kind of. That's the what am I trying to say? That's what I've come to, that's the realization that I've came to is like it's just a cycle. It's going to come regardless.
Speaker 1:Sometimes maybe sooner or whatever because of triggers, but maybe, like going to the market maybe sooner or whatever because of triggers, but maybe like going to the market does actually kind of trigger me and put me in like that certain mode and then if something else happens, and then I don't know, but it's like I can't sit here and just not go anywhere. You know, I mean when I'm in my really bad moods, like I am now, I don't go anywhere, because when I do I've almost gotten to some things with people and so I'm trying to really not have that happen. You know, um, but it just seems like my good times are far and few between Not good times, but just where my brain is not the way it is, I don't know, it's just nuts, you know. And then they talk about how kind of exposure to things is good for you as well. So maybe, you know, maybe it does kind of trigger me in a sense, but it's a good trigger to get me. I don't know. The thing is too. I don't think I have just PTSD, there's so many other.
Speaker 1:I'm an introvert, you know which. A lot of people think just introvert means shy, but that's not. I actually saw a thing that kind of listed the introvert thing. It was actually how much time do I got? Oh, I'm already at 20 minutes, so I can get a few minutes. But you know, I remember the first time I think I might might talk about this too, a friend of mine. It was a girl that had a crush on for a little bit, but but she's the one like I was. The first time I even heard of the term introvert and extrovert and, uh see, like even this is like. You know, people don't like public, it's like it's not so much, you know, I'm shy or I like to, you know, because it's not. Let me see, I saw something. I was like, oh okay, this is actually listed.
Speaker 1:Pretty good, you know, when I first, when I first got to my unit after basic in the army, I I didn't go out, like when I was off I would go get something to eat, I'd get some food, I'd go back to my room and that was it. My. My roommate was an older and that was it. My roommate was an older, I don't know, but like he either had a girlfriend or whatever, but he was never there. So I basically had the dorm room to myself and I used to get like I used to get kind of mocked a little bit I guess more so than I realized, because I was just, I didn't go and hang out with anybody in my platoon and stuff like that which, you know, some may feel like that's kind of mean or whatever.
Speaker 1:But in, I don't know, in a military environment, especially like in a combat unit, where you can go to combat, you know, you got to know who you're with. So I get you know, and it wasn't like they were bullying me, they just kind of gave me some shit. But you know, I didn't, I just, and I kind of was like I don't want to go out drinking because that's how I was, kind of I joined the army to get away from all that crap. But the other part is I am an introvert, so it's like I can do social things, but then it's like I feel overloaded and for me to recharge and decompress, I do that being alone. And I can never explain that because I didn't really know.
Speaker 1:When I was younger, I remember, even before the army, it's like friends would want to go and go partying and go to the bar, go do this, and it's like, dude, I don't, I don't want to go, you know, and they're just oh, come on. And then I'd start getting pissed off. It's like no, I don't want to go. Sometimes they'd get me to go and whatever, and sometimes I would go and I would have fun, you know, but it's just, I don't know, I am completely content with just being alone and not talking with anybody and not being around anyone. That's one of the things of being an introvert. You know, you're you, you thrive on being alone. Some people cannot stand to be alone. You know which I guess would be an extrovert? Um, yeah, so I mean like here's like, let's see so.
Speaker 1:So, on top of just being shy, so signs of introvert, so being around a lot of people drains your energy. So that's, yeah, totally me. It's like I just like they have birthday parties here every other day, it seems like, and so on, and I don't go to hardly any of them. But then when I do, or we go and do something, or um, we go out in public or we go and do whatever, it's like I need to have like a couple days of just leave me alone and just let me watch youtube or something I don't know. Um, like we're going to manila in a couple weeks to get some stuff done and plus, you know, take the kids to see some stuff and do some things in that, and I'm really not looking forward to it. I mean I am, but I'm not. But I know, once we get back. I just need to like, ok, leave me alone, and you know that's how it is. But yeah, so, you know, being around lots of people drains your energy.
Speaker 1:You enjoy solitude I already talked about that. You have a small group of close friends, which is also true. People may find it difficult to get to know you, and so that's kind of what I was talking about when I was in the Army. Too much stimulation leaves you feeling distracted and then you might think like, I don't know, it's like. You think like, okay, you're an introvert, and then you join the army, which, okay, I didn't really realize the extent of my introvertism or whatever, but I think that it actually helped me, though in some ways, though very self-aware. Yeah, you learn, you like to learn by watching. Yeah, you were drawn to jobs that involve independence. Yeah, yeah, my favorite jobs was where I was kind of by myself. So are there different types of introverts social thinking and anxious, inhibited, I think. Social for me, but yeah, so I mean, it's just, you know, it's just not being, it's not just shy, someone that's introverts, not shy.
Speaker 1:Anyway, that is me, a middle-aged introverted veteran who's always grumpy. I don't know, does any of this ring a bell for you. Do you go through the same thing? Did you go through the same thing? What do you do to cope, and all that kind of stuff. I got to get back into mountain biking. I think I really do. But anyway, I'm at 25 minutes so I need to cut it short. Thanks for listening. Uh, appreciate your time. Oh, and there's um, if you do want to make like some sort of comment aside from rumble, like the actual uh, the, the uh buzzsprout, there's a link where you can click on it and leave like a little comment for the, just FYI. Anyway, that's it. Thanks for listening and I'll see you guys next time. All right, bye.
